What Would Erik Say?
by Phantom Muse
Summary: CHAPTER 16 UP!This is a lil comedy I've concocted! It is, as it's title refers, about what Erik would say at certain points in the movie! It goes through the songs putting in dialogue from Erik, and other characters every once in while! R&R everybody!
1. We've all been blind

_**Miscellaneous things that Erik would probably say in the movie at different points!**_

**Raoul:We have all been blind...**

**Erik:Yah, I believe you're blind! Christine slipped away right under your humongous nose!**

**Raoul:And yet the answer is staring us in the face!**

**Erik:Answer to what, your hemroids!**

**Raoul:This could be the chance to ensnare our clever friend!**

**Erik:I know you ain't talking about me, I ain't your friend! Even if you are, you can't catch me because: Run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm O.G. man!**

**Andre:We're listening!**

**Erik:Really, I couldn't tell by that look on your face!**

**Firmin:Go on!**

**Erik:Go on? Not on the stage I hope!**

**Raoul:We shall play his game!**

**Erik:You haven't the guts or the brains for that matter, to stand a chance in my game!**

**Raoul:Perform his work!**

**Erik:Now we're talking! But what do you mean by we! You had better not sing and Andre and Firmin had better not either. I still have a headache from Prima Donna!**

**Raoul:But remember we hold the ace!**

**Erik:No you don't, all four aces to the card game are right here in my hand, see!**

**Raoul:For if, Ms. Daae sings (yes I meant to put Ms.)**

**Erik:Thank God! He got something right! But she isn't widowed or divorced! Is she! Hold on a minute!**

**Raoul:He is certain to attend!**

**Erik:Wow! D'you figure that one out on your own genius or did mommy help you like she helps tie your shoes and button shirt and pants?**

**Andre:We are certain the doors are barred!**

**Erik:Like that'll help you catch me!**

**Firmin:We are certain the police are there!**

**Erik:Yah! Like I'm scared of a bunch of idiots dressed in blue capes and funny pants and hats carrying rifles! Yah! I'm sure they'll be of great help!**

**Raoul/Andre/Firmin:The curtain falls!**

**Erik:Yes! That is exactly what happens at the end of an act and the end of the show! Duh!**

**Raoul/Andre/Firmin:His reigne will end!**

**Erik:Like hell it will! That's nuttin but a load of bullsh! I'll always be here! I'm the Phantom of the Opera damn it!**

**THANKS FOR READING ANOTHER ONE OF MY COMEDIES! THESE ARE REALLY STUPID! BUT THEY'RE FUNNY! HOPE YOU READ THE NEXT CHAPTER AS SOON AS IT'S DONE! READ AND REVIEW PEOPLE!**


	2. Think of Me?

_**THINK OF ME WITH ERIK TALKING!**_

**Christine:Think of me,**

**Erik:I can do that!**

**Christine:Think of me fondly**

**Erik:I already do that baby!**

**Christine:When we've said goodbye**

**Erik:What? We haven't said goodbye yet! Have we! You traitor, why would you do this to me?**

**Christine:Remember me,**

**Erik:How can I forget you, especially after last night!**

**Christine:Once in a while**

**Erik:I think of you more often than that sugar! Try every second of every day**

**Christine:Please promise me you'll try**

**Erik:I've promised a million times honey! Don't worry about that!**

**Christine:When you find**

**Erik:Find what? Your undergarments that you say you left last night? I'll return those to you as soon as possible! But it'll probably be a while!**

**Christine:That once again you long**

**Erik:Long to do what? Oh! Long for you to come spend the night again! I'm already longing!**

**Christine:To take your heart back**

**Erik:Why would I do that! My heart is yours doll!**

**Christine:And be free!**

**Erik:Be free? Hah! I'll never be free! You know that! I'm yours!**

**Christine:If you ever find a moment**

**Erik:To do what? Stare at you? I always have time for that!**

**Christine:Spare a thought for me**

**Erik:I already do that! Plus, I think of you every second of every day, didn't I already say that!**

**Christine:We never said**

**Erik:Never said what? OH my gosh! I forgot! CHRISTINE YOUR SO HOT! There I said it! We're good!**

**Christine:Our love was evergreen!**

**Erik:That's a tree!**

**Christine:Or as unchanging as the sea**

**Erik:My love is unchanging! I love you babe!**

**Christine:But if you can still remember, stop and think of me!**

**Erik:I do that! Every few steps I take, I stop and think of you! Duh!**

**Christine:Think of all the things we've shared and seen!**

**Erik:We haven't seen to much! Only my place!**

**Christine:Don't think about the way things might have been!**

**Erik:What? What are you talking about? You're dumping me! You little whore!**

**Christine:Think of me**

**Erik:How many times do I have to say it, I do that 24/7 woman! Come on!**

**Christine:Think of me waking!**

**Erik:Yah, I remember that!**

**Christine:Silent and resigned**

**Erik:You weren't silent and you definetly weren't resigned, I hate to tell you honey! You were screaming for me to come back to bed!**

**Christine:Imagine me**

**Erik:That's really easy! I'm doing that right now!**

**Christine:Trying to hard to put you from my mind**

**Erik:That's impossible for you to do and you know that! Stop trying before you hurt yourself1**

**Christine:Recall those days**

**Erik:Nights! I don't come out much during the day!**

**Christine:Look back on all those times**

**Erik:Thinking back right now!**

**Christine:Think of the things we'll never do**

**Erik:There isn't much we haven't done except get married and have a kid! God I hope you aren't pregnant! That would be bad for both of our careers!**

**Christine:There will never be a day, when I won't think of you**

**Erik:Good! It took you long enough to say!**

**Raoul:Can it be? Can it be Christine! Bravo!**

**Erik:Huh? Who are you and how do you know Christine? I demand an answer!**

**Raoul:Long ago**

**Erik:Okay, got that!**

**Raoul:It seems so long ago!**

**Erik:Dude, calm down! Your gonna hurt yourself before I get the chance to hurt you!**

**Raoul:How young and innocent we were!**

**Erik:You had better not done what I think I'm thinking you did! Yall had better have just been friends!**

**Raoul:She may not remember me**

**Erik:I hope so!**

**Raoul:But I remember her**

**Erik:Thank you! That's already been established, moron! Keep away from Christine or you will pay the price you pansy!**

**Christine:Flowers fade,**

**Erik:Your a flower and you aren't fading!**

**Christine:The fruits of summer fade**

**Erik:If you're a fruit then I just wanna eat you up, beautiful!**

**Christine:They have their seasons**

**Erik:They sure do!**

**Christine:So do we**

**Erik:...**

**Christine:But please promise me that sometimes you will think...**

**Erik:Think of what? Of what? I have to know! Tell me already will you! Tell me what you want me to promise to think of and I'll do it! Come on! Hurry up will you!**

**Christine:Ah ah ah ah ah ah ahhhhh!**

**Erik:That tells me nothing!**

**Christine:Ah ah ah ah ah ah ahhhhhh!**

**Erik:That's not telling me anything but those are pretty notes!**

**Christine:Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ahhhhh!**

**Erik:...**

**Christine:Ahhh ahhh!**

**Erik:I'm waiting!**

**Christine:Ahhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!**

**Erik:(goes wide eyed) Wow! What a note!**

**Christine:Ahhhh of meeeeeeee!**

**Erik:What! That's it! You took up all that time to tell me that! Wait was this the performance! Oh no wonder she did all of that! I thought she was just talking to me! I'm having a out of genius moment!**


	3. Learn to be Lonely

_**LEARN TO BE LONELY WITH ERIK TALKING TOO!**_

**Minnie:Child of the wilderness**

**Erik:Are you talking about me?**

**Minnie:Born into emptiness**

**Erik:You got that right!**

**M:Learn to be lonely**

**E:I've learned that already!**

**M:Learn to find your way in darkness**

**E:I've aleady learned that too! Quite honestly, I'm the Phantom of the bloody Opera! I live in the cellars! It's dark down there! I haven't had a choice but learn to find my way in darkness! Duh! What wrong with you! Oh I know, you play Carlotta, you're supposed to be dunce!**

**M: (clears throat)Who will be there for you**

**E:Uh? No one! Ner ner!**

**M:Comfort and care for you**

**E:No one! (begins to cry)**

**M:Learn to be lonely!**

**E:I hate being alone! Why Christine, why did you have to leave me ALONE! (continues squawling)**

**M:Learn to be your one companion**

**E:I know, that's what sucks about this job! I have to end up alone at the end of every time these people watch this movie and even the musical and the books except for Susan Kay's. I love you! Christine has my kid! He looks just like me! Hey, now I feel a little better!**

**Phan:But you die in that book and in Leroux's! And Charles doesn't know you're his real Dad! Raoul wouldn't tell him! Also Christine dies when she's like thirty something! You're still alone at the end!**

**E:Waaaaahhhhhh! Thanks for reminding me!**

**Phan:What! It's it's my job to know this stuff! I'm a Phantom Phan! (walks out)**

**Minnie:Okay! That was just a bit uncalled for! Anyhoo, on with the song!Never dreamed**

**E:Hey! I've dreamed before!**

**M:That our in the world**

**E:Never dreamed what out in the world?**

**M:There are arms to hold you!**

**E:There are! Yah!**

**M:You've always known**

**E:Known what? Tell me!**

**M:Your heart was on it's own**

**E:Thanks! That makes me feel so much better!**

**M:So laugh in your lonliness**

**E:If I'm alone, how can I laugh! Gosh! You're just trying to make me feel badder that what I already do!**

**M:Oh stop your whining! Andrew Loyd Webber did the music andCharles Hart did the lyrics, if you wanna blame someone,blame them. I just sing this song!**

**E:Okay! Webber! Hart! Front and center!**

**Webber and Hart appear: Yes!**

**E:Why did you write the music?**

**W:Because I wanted to.**

**E:So.**

**W:You're a composer, Erik1 I'd expect you to know these things! When you wish to compose do you want someone making fun of your work!**

**E:You're right! You are excused but you Charles Hart! You have explaining to do!**

**H:Well...(before he can say more Erk kills him)**

**Minnie:What is the matter with you? No matter, on with the song! Child of the wilderness, learn to be lonely**

**E:I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me, my problems have all gone, there no one to derive me...**

**Minnie:SHut up! (erik starts crying again) Learn how to love life that is lived alone**

**E:But I don't wanna! (continues crying)**

**M:Learn to be lonely**

**E:Mission accomplished already**

**M:Life can be lived**

**E:Duh! **

**M:Life can be loved alone**

**E:I change my statement! No it can't! Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!**


	4. Phantom of the Opera

_**THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA WITH SINGING AND DIALOGUE!**_

**Christine:In sleep he sang to me**

**Erik:That's me, I sang to you**

**Christine:In dreams he came**

**Erik:By he she means me. Git-R-Dun!**

**Christine:That voice which calls to me**

**Erik:Christine, Christine! I'm the voice which calls to you!**

**Christine:And speaks my name**

**Erik:I'm speaking your name! See, listen, Christine, Christine, Christine!**

**Christine:And do I dream again**

**Erik:I can answer that question. You're not dreaming it's just my power over you that makes it seem like a dream. That's all there is to it!**

**Christine:For now I find**

**Erik:What? My contact lens? Thank you!**

**Christine:The Phaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaantom of the Opera is there**

**Erik:That's me and I'm right here**

**Christine:Inside my mind**

**Erik:Oh yah! I forgot I am there too!**

**Christine:Shhh! Your part is next!**

**Erik:Sorry! Wait for it!**

**He hears the proper note and begins.**

**Erik:Sing once again with me**

**Christine:Okay! I'd love to!**

**Erik:Our strange duet!**

**Christine:I know it's a duet but I don't consider it strange! I love it1**

**Erik:My power over you**

**Christine:You have power over me? Cool!**

**Erik:Grows stronger yet**

**Christine:You mean they're getting stronger?**

**Erik:And though you turn from me**

**Christine:Wha! Why would I do that?**

**Erik:To glance behind**

**Christine:Oops sorry! I just say something back there!**

**Erik:The Phaaaaaaantom of the Opera is there**

**Christine:Where? I don't see him.**

**Erik:Inside your mind**

**Christine:Oh so that's why I couldn't see him**

**Erik:Christine, it's your turn again! Quit fiddling with yuor night gown**

**Christine:I look like a whore**

**Erik:That's because you are one and I like this look, leave it be. It's time for you to sing again!**

**Christine:Oh! Those who have seen your face**

**Erik:And that's not too many people!**

**Christine:Draw back in fear**

**Erik:Well, you see, that's the reason I wear a mask! I thought you knew this.**

**Christine:I am the mask you wear**

**Erik:Really? (takes off mask and looks at it) No you aren't this is just plain porcelain. Besides, you're too big to fit on my face1**

**Christine:Are you calling me fat? Nevermind, just sing!**

**Erik:Oh, sorry! It's me they hear!**

**Christine:But it's my voice not yours.**

**Erik/Christine:Your/my spirit and my/your voice in one combined!**

**Erik:They really do sound like they are one voice.**

**Erik/Christine:The Phaaaaaaantom of the Opera is there**

**Christine:Where? I still can't see him!**

**Erik/Christine:Inside your/my mind!**

**Christine:Oh he's in my mind! I get it! No wait, no I don't!**

**Erik:Sopranos! They're idiots!**

**Other sopranos:Hey, that's not nice! We learn Christine's part for you!**

**Erik:Sorry! (looks away from angry girls)**

**Mysterious voices in the background:He's there the Phantom of the Opera!**

**Erik:That's right, I'm here!**

**M.V.I.T.B.G:Beware the Phantom of the Opera!**

**Erik:Yes, beware me, the Phantom of the Opera!**

**Christine:Why should I beware him if he's inside my mind!**

**Erik:In all your fantasies**

**Christine:Really?**

**Erik:You always knew**

**Christine:Knew what?**

**Erik:That man and mystery**

**Christine:Were both in you?**

**Erik/Christine:And in this labyrinth where night is blind the Phaaaaaaantom of the Opera is there/here inside your/my mind.**

**Erik:Sing my angel of music!**

**Christine:...**

**Erik:AHEM! I said, Sing my angel of music!**

**Christine:When is this angel gonna start singing?**

**Erik:You're the angel, now sing! (hits her in th back of the head with the stick)**

**Christine:Ouch!Fine, I'll sing! He's there the Phantom of the Opera!**

**Erik:Thank you! It tookl long enough!**

**Christine:Ahhhhh ahhh ahhh ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhhhhh!**

**Erik:Sing my angel, sing!**

**Christine:Ahhhhhh ahhh ahhh ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhhhhh!**

**Erik:Sing for me!**

**Christine:Ahhhhhh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahhhhhh!**

**Erik:I'm not supposed to say anything but BUTTER TOAST!**

**Christine:Ahhhhh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahhhhhhhh!**

**Erik:Now I'm supposed to say something but I forgot what so, FRENCH FRIES AREN'T REALLY FRENCH!**

**Christine:Ahhhhhhhhhhh!**

**Erik:She's awfully loud!**

**Christine:Ahhhhhhhhhhh!**

**Erik:Why can't she pipe down a little, my head hurts!**

**Christine:Ahhhhhhhhhh!**

**Just as she is about to sing the last note Michael Crawford jumps out and sings it: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!**

**Erik:...**

**Christine:Hey, that's my part!**

**Numorous Gerry Phans who hate Michael Crawford come running in with guns and lassoes:Get him!**

**They all pounce on him and begin their torture!**


	5. Music of the Night

_**MUSIC OF THE NIGHT EXCEPT CHRISTINE IS SILENT!**_

**Erik:Night time sharpens**

**Christine:How does night time sharpen?**

**Erik:Heightens each sensation**

**Christine:What exactly do you mean by that?**

**Erik:Darkness stirs and wakes imagination**

**Christine:I'm still confused on how that would happen. Does night time have have a giant spoon that it stirs with and then hits you on the head to make your imagination wake up?**

**Erik:Silently the senses**

**Christine:What about 'em?**

**Erik:Abandon their defences**

**Christine:I didn't know the senses had defences. Awesome!**

**Erik:Why are you so stupid?**

**Christine:You have to sing again!**

**Erik:Oh! Slowly, gently**

**Christine:What?**

**Erik:Night unfurls its splendour**

**Christine:I can't wait to see that!**

**Erik:Grasp it**

**Christine:How am I supposed to do that when it isn't a solid object?**

**Erik:Sense it**

**Christine:Oh! Oh! I can do that! When the sun disappears that means it's night time! Cool! I actually understood something you said! Yaaaaahhhhhhhh!**

**Erik:Tremulous and tender**

**Christine:Erik, sweety, you've lost me with that big word!**

**Erik:Turn your face away**

**Christine:Okay, but I don't know why you would want me to turn away from you.**

**Erik:From the garish light of day**

**Christine:From the light? But I can't help it, it's so beautiful! (Christine walks into a giant bug zapper)**

**Erik:Turn your thoughts away from cold unfeeling light**

**Christine:Ummmm! But when I'm in the light, I feel all warm and stuff! So how is it unfeeling and cold? (she reappears with her hair sticking up all over the place and her face and night clothes are cover with black blotches where she got zapped)**

**Erik:And listen to the music of the night!**

**Christine:I can do that! I can hear all of the instruments playing the melody and counter melodies to your song and I hear you singing! That's simple!**

**Erik:Close your eyes**

**Christine:Anything for you hot stuff!**

**Erik:And surrender to your darkest dreams!**

**Christine:Well...okay! But aren't my darkest dreams nightmares?**

**Erik:Purge all thoughts of the life you knew before!**

**Christine:They're long gone babe!**

**Erik:Close you eyes**

**Christine:They've been closed since you ordered me to earlier**

**Erik:Let your spirit start to soar!**

**Christine:Wow! (Christine starts smoking a joint) I'm high so does that count as your spirit soaring?**

**Erik:And you'll live as you never lived before.**

**Christine:I sure will, I'll be livin with you! That I have never done before!**

**Erik:Softly,**

**Christine:Alrighty!**

**Erik:Deftly**

**Christine:I didn't know the music of the night couldn't hear**

**Erik:Music shall caress you.**

**Christine:I didn't know music could caress you but I know that's what you're doin!**

**Erik:Hear it**

**Christine:I can hear it very well. I can even hear the piano playing in the back wit the percussion!**

**Erik:Feel it**

**Christine:But it's an inadimit object! You can't touch it!**

**Erik:Secretly possess you. Wait did you just use a big word?**

**Christine:Yah, I did! I'm not that stupid! Possess me, you mean it'll make me do everything it wants? Oh my gosh! Help! The music of the night is tryin to rape me!**

**Erik:That's the point! Open up your mind!**

**Christine:You want me to cut my head open!**

**Erik:Let your fantasies unwind!**

**Christine:You want to perform brain surgery just to see what I fantasize about! That's none of your business!**

**Erik:In this darkness which you know cannot fight!**

**Christine:Well, duh! I can't see it or touch it! Of course I can't fight it!**

**Erik:The darkness of the music of the night!**

**Christine:Well, you said it's the music of the NIGHT! Of course it's dark!**

**Erik:Let your mind start a journey through a strange new world!**

**Christine:Really, how do I get there!**

**Erik:Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before!**

**Christine:Why! Is this one of those trips where you have to pack lightly?**

**Erik:Let your soul take you where you long to be!**

**Christine:How do you know where I long to be! Maybe I long to be with Raoul!**

**Erik:...**

**Christine:I'm sorry, please finish your song! It's superb and I want to hear the rest! Please! I take back that thing about Raoul! Please continue!**

**Erik:Fine! But if I catch you around Raoul there will be hell to pay! Only then can you belong to me!**

**Christine:I already belong to you! Take me I'm yours!**

**Erik:Floating**

**Christine:That's what I feel like when I'm high!**

**Erik:Falling**

**Christine:That's what I feel like when I come of a high**

**Erik:...Okay! Sweet intoxication!**

**Christine:Oh now your gonna try to get me drunk! Just pass me a smoke!**

**Erik:Touch me**

**Christine:Wow! You shaved! What type of razor did you use! I hope it was a Mac! Well whatever it was your face feels so smooth, I could just rub your cheek forever!**

**Erik:Trust me...it was that stuff from that commercial where it shows that guy being rubbed by that womans hands! It really works! I'm thinking about doing my entire head like this!**

**Christine:I trust you, gosh, your face is so freakin smooth! I love it!**

**Erik:Savour each sensation**

**Christine:Yah, I'm savouring it! Keep singing darling!**

**Erik:Let the dream begin**

**Christine:I've been dreaming about this!**

**Erik:Let your darker side give in**

**Christine:Fine! Keep singing! Your voice is more entrancing than a special chocolate filled donut from that place that the Americans set up. The Krispy Kreme donut place! The Americans are geniuses!**

**Erik:I thought I was the genius!**

**Christine:Oh you are, when it comes to music and architecture. But the Americans are awesome with Krispy Kreme! Oh! And also for MacDonalds and Burger King! Oooo! And Sonic! And Arbies! **

**Erik:...I'm so underappreciated! To the power of the music that I write!**

**Christine:You write the music of the night?**

**Erik:The power of the music of the music of the night!**

**Christine:Wat in the world? Is that like a giant Barbie doll? Good grief, she looks just like me! (she faints)**

**Erik: (carries her to bed and tosses her in carelessly) You alone can make my song take flight! Help me make the music of the niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhttttttttttttttttttttttt!**

**I hope I gave you a concussion you stupid whore! I'm the genius, not the Americans!**

**Americans:Don't make us come over there and get the whoopin on you stupid french people. It's like we Americans say, the French are lovers not fighters!**

**Erik:Well, atleast we haven't had a civil war!**

**Americans:Hey, atleast we aren't always fighting with the British like yall! We fought 'em twice and kicked there (bleep) ing (bleeps). How ya like them apples!**

**Erik:(rolls eyes) Americans!**

**Americans: (pounce on him) Your gonna regret that! (pretty french girl walks by) Oooo! I got dibs on her! (they all run after her)**

**Erik:...Whatever!**

**READ AND REVIEW! THIS IS NOT A DRIL! I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL! READ AND REVIEW BECAUSE MY COMEDIES DO FARELY WELL AND I WAS TOLD TO KEEP WRITIN 'EM CAUSE THEY ARE MY THANG, AS SOMEONE ONE SAID! MWAHAHAHAHA!**


	6. Prima Donna with the Big Butt

_**Hello again! And welcome back to 'What Would Erik Say?'**_

_**I'd like to think you all for the reiviews but...I'm not gonna...Nah. I'm just kiddin! Thanks for the reviews!**_

_**Hope ya enjoy this little segment!**_

_**PRIMA DONNA WITH ERIK TALKING OF COURSE!**_

_**Andre/Firmin:Prima donna, first lady on the stage**_

_**Erik:First murderer on the stage is more like it. When she sings, I'd say that half the audience winds up with brain damage or they go home that night and kill over before they make it to the bathroom.**_

_**Andre/Firmin:Your devotees are on their knees**_

_**Erik:WHAT? She hasn't got any devotees and if she did they most certainly wouldn't be on their knees**_

_**Andre/Firmin:To implore you**_

_**Erik:This song sucks**_

_**Andre:Can you bow out when they're shouting your name**_

_**Erik:The only thing they will be shouting with her name in it is, 'KILL CARLOTTA KILL CARLOTTA!'**_

_**Firmin:Think of how they all adore you**_

_**Erik:Who the hobos on the street who only adore her because they wanna steal her clotes and jewelery and sell 'em on the black market**_

_**Andre/Firmin:Prima donna, enchant us once again**_

_**Erik:How? She's not enchanting! She's scarier than a blue butt baboon with hemroids.**_

_**Andre:Think of your muse**_

_**Erik:What's her muse? Her enormous butt?**_

_**Firmin:And of the queues round the theater**_

_**Erik:...No comment**_

_**Andre/Firmin:Can you deny us that triumph in store**_

_**Erik:What triumph? How is she gonna triumph when people die before they get to the bathroom after hearing her sing! This all screwed up man!**_

_**Andre/Firmin/Piangi:Sing, Prima donna once-a more**_

_**Erik:If she sings, God have mercy upon us all!**_

_**Carlotta:Prima donna, your song shall live again**_

_**Erik:Nooo! We just managed to kill the dag gum thing. Why can't it stay dead**_

_**Carlotta:You took a snub**_

_**Erik:You took a dumb pill? No no no! You were born dumb! That's all there is to it.**_

_**Carlotta:But there's a public who needs you**_

_**Erik:If they "need" you, then every dang one of 'em needs a good old fashioned butt beatin**_

_**Carlotta:Think of their cry of undying support**_

_**Erik:They will all die from your voice woman. Don't make 'em support you too. That's just plain cruel**_

_**Carlotta:Follow where the lime-a-light leads you**_

_**Erik:I hope it leads you right off a freakin cliff, you stupid red head**_

_**Carlotta:Prima donna, your song shall never die**_

_**Erik:Yes, it will. I'll se to it personally**_

_**Carlotta:You'll sing again**_

_**Erik:No you won;t**_

_**Carlotta:And to unending ovation**_

_**Erik:There will only be an ovation of hair standing up on the back of people's necks because you suck so bad**_

_**Carlotta:Think how you'll shine in that final encore**_

_**Erik:There will not be an encore**_

_**Carlotta:Sing, Prima donna once-a more**_

_**Erik:Finally she shut up!**_

_**Andre/Firmin:Who'd believe a diva happy to relieve a**_

_**Erik:O great! Not these two broke back mountain weirdos again**_

_**Andre/Firmin:Chrous girl whose gone and slept with the patron**_

_**Erik:WHAT! Oh heck no! Christine! I'm gonna beat your a$$ for this. You little player!**_

_**Andre/Firmin:Raoul and the soubrette in twined in loves duet**_

_**Erik:Stop! I'm gonna hurl (throws up) Too late!**_

_**Andre/Firmin:Although he may demur he must have been with her**_

_**Erik: (Still doubled over puking)Blaaaahhhhh!**_

_**Andre/Firmin:You'd never get away with all this in a play**_

_**Erik:No duh! A play ain't real! (pukes again)**_

_**Andre/Firmin:But if it's loudly sung and in a foreign tongue**_

_**Erik:No clue what your talkin about**_

_**Andre/Firmin:It's just the sort of story audiences adore**_

_**Erik:You suck (remembers the part about raoul and christine sleeping together and pukes again)**_

_**Andre/Firmin:In fact the perfect opera**_

_**Erik:Screw you! You guys are retarded. The opera I'm writing is perfect!**_

_**Andre/Firmin:Prima donna the world is at your feet**_

_**Erik:No! The world is under her ginormous butt! Not at her feet and anyone who is at her feet is about to be terminated (pulls out lasso but then throws it behind him and pulls out a bazooka) Mwahahahahaha! Fear me! Mwahahahahahahaha!**_

_**Andre/Firmin:A nation waits and how it hates to be cheated**_

_**Erik: (says nothing, he too busy killing the people who are at or have been at Carlotta's feet)**_

_**Everybody:Light up the stage with the age old rapport**_

_**Erik:(still too busy terminating people)Mwahahahahaha!**_

_**Everybody:Sing Prima donna**_

_**Erik:Noooooooo, MOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE!**_

_**Everybody:(Starts clapping for erik)**_

_**Erik: (Bows) Merci merci! Now all of you who sung a part in that song except for me (fires the bazooka) YOU ARE TERMINATED!Mwahahahahahahahaha!**_


	7. Angel of Music Eating Popcorn

_**ANGEL OF MUSIC WITH ERIK TALKING MORE AND CHRISTINE A LITTLE, MEG...WE'LL JUST SEE AS WE GO ALONG!**_

_**Meg:Where in the world**_

_**Chritsine:Paris, France**_

_**Meg:Have you been hiding**_

_**Christine:Right here, duh!**_

_**Meg:Really you were perfect**_

_**Christine:Well, no duh! Couldn't you tell by the applause and standing ovation!**_

_**Meg:I only wish**_

_**Christine:Wish what? That you were as hot as me!**_

_**Meg:I knew your secret**_

_**Christine:How do you know I have a secret...shhh...don't tell anyone**_

_**Meg:Who is your great tutor**_

_**Christine:I will not answer that by speaking, I will answer by song, Father once spoke of an angel**_

_**Meg:Well yah, 'once spoke'. he's dead or don't you remember**_

_**Christine:I used to dream he'd appear**_

_**Meg:What do ya mean by 'used to'**_

_**Christine:Now as I sing I can sence him**_

_**Meg:How is that possible. You aren't super human.**_

_**Christine:And I know he's here**_

_**Meg:Really, where?**_

_**Christine:Here in this room**_

_**Meg:If he is, he's sure a good hider**_

_**Christine:He calls me softly**_

_**Meg:Well, I can't hear him and if you can, you must be super human**_

_**Christine:Somewhere inside hiding**_

_**Meg:He's hiding inside, yah, that's already been established**_

_**Christine:Somehow I know he's always with me**_

_**Meg:How? What does do hide under your skirt**_

_**Christine:He the unseen genius**_

_**Meg:Oooo! He's a genius! Wow! And he's unseen! That's dumb! Christine, are you on drugs!**_

_**Christine:It's your turn to sing moron!**_

_**Meg:Okay. Christine you must have been dreaming**_

_**Christine:No, it seemed pretty real, so it must have been real**_

_**Meg:Stories like this can't come true**_

_**Christine:How would you know you stupid blonde**_

_**Meg:Christine your talking in riddles**_

_**Christine:That's how I confuse your puny little mind**_

_**Meg:And it's not like you**_

_**Christine:Who cares**_

_**Meg:Now it's your turn to sing again you retard1 NAH NAH!**_

_**Christine:Shut up and let me sing...Angel of music, guide and guardian**_

_**Meg:But my mom is your guardian not some weird angel**_

_**Christine:Grant to me your glory**_

_**Meg:Who is this angel this**_

_**Christine/Meg:Angel of music hide no longer secret and strange angel**_

_**Meg:Yah, he's very very very strange**_

_**Christine:He's with me even now**_

_**Meg:Your hands are cold and your crazy**_

_**Christine:All around me**_

_**Meg:You face, Christine it's white from where you've been smoking pot**_

_**Christine:It frightens me**_

_**Meg:Well, smoking pot should frighten you, you could die you idiot**_

_**(low note at end)**_

_**Raoul:Little Lotte let her mind wander**_

_**Christine:I was a child, all kids' minds wander at some point**_

_**Raoul:Little Lotte thought**_

_**Fop Hunter:You know what...I hate this part so we'll just skip to the mirror. Okay? Okay. Next scene please!**_

_**Erik:Insolent boy, this slave of fashion**_

_**Christine:I believe you, he only wears the latest style. He's retarded.**_

_**Erik:Basking in your glory**_

_**Christine:That little turd. This is my time to shine not his!**_

_**Erik:TURD? That's a good one, I'll have to right that down. (shows Erik writing 'TURD' on the palm of his hand)**_

_**Christine:Well, thank you. I've always had a weird vocabulary.**_

_**Erik:Ignorant fool, this brave young suitor**_

_**Christine:Hey, Erik. Where do babies come from?**_

_**Erik:(looks confused) Ummmm! What does this have to do with this song?**_

_**Christine:Nothing I suppose but I was just wondering. I mean, you're a genius and all so I was hoping you'd know. Tell me, please! (pouts)**_

_**Erik:Oooookkkkaaaaayyyyy! (thinks to himself) This wasn't in the job description.**_

_**Donkey (from Shrek):Maybe it's a perk!**_

_**Erik:Oh! Why thank you annoying little beast that is friends with Shrek.**_

_**Donkey:No problem cause I will always be here to...**_

_**Erik:That's enough Donkey unless you'd like to explain where babies come from to the dunce outside the mirror.**_

_**Donkey:I'm gone! (runs off leaving a cloud of smoke in the shape of himself)**_

_**Erik:(clears trhoat) Well, you see, Christine, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much they...ummm. The stork comes, okay?**_

_**Christine:Oooooo! The stork brings the baby?**_

_**Erik:Yah! (starts beating his head against the wall) **_

_**Madame Giry:(walks out) Can we go on with the song before Erik kills himself for being asked to explain where babies come from?**_

_**Raoul:Wait! I wanna know where babies come from! (he comes rushing in to Christine's dressing room)**_

_**Erik:Raoul, god dangit! Get the f#$ out before I kick you in your knads.**_

_**Raoul:(in the words of Dustin, my friend who is an ignorant drummer) But I ain't got no ding-a-ling part!**_

_**Erik and everyone else stare at him as his words echo all over the opera house.**_

_**Erik:That's just not right! Not only is he a pansy but he's a woman. Ha ha! Christine! You're a lesbian!**_

_**Christine:No I'm not! I had no idea he was gender challenged.**_

_**Raoul:Actually, I don't have lady parts either.**_

_**Everyone stares at him again as his words echo all over the opera house again.**_

_**Erik:That's wronger than wrong. That is supercalifragilisticespialidocous wrong. Christine you like an 'it'!**_

_**Christine:OMG! I think I'm gonna be sick. (runs off and pukes in the hallway)**_

_**Raoul:(smiles proudly)**_

_**Erik:I hate 'its'. (pulls out lasso and gives an evil grin)**_

_**Raoul:No! Please! Your so sexy, Erik. I love you. And you wouldn't hurt your admirer would you?**_

_**Erik:(goes wide eyed and walks over and stands up in the chair and ties his lasso to the hook on the ceiling)**_

_**Madame Giry: Erik! What are you doing?**_

_**Erik:Oh I'm just going to kill myself before the it tries to rape me. Bye bye Madame. (this is from White Chicks)**_

_**Madame:(throws a book and hits erik in the head) Get down from there.**_

_**Erik:Oh! I'll kill myself later.**_

_**Madame Giry:(sits down on a chair and motions for Erik) Come here Erik.**_

_**Erik:(looks confused) Whyyyyyyyy?**_

_**Madame:(pulls out a belt)**_

_**Erik:Oh heck no! I ain't gettin another a$$ whippin. Why am I gettin a a$$ whippin?**_

_**Madame:It's for tryin to kill yourself (she yanks erik down and throws him over her lap and starts beatin him with the belt)**_

_**Erik:My...OUCH...life...OUCH...SUCKS...OOOOOUUUUUCCCCCHHHHH!**_

_**Madame:Okay now you can go on with your song**_

_**Erik:Ignorant fool, this brave young suitor. Sharing in my triumph.**_

_**Christine:Angel I hear you**_

_**Erik:I hope so! Is my microphone on. (taps on mic.)**_

_**Christine:Speak I listen**_

_**Erik:I'm speaking**_

_**Christine:Stay by my side guide me**_

_**Erik:Sorry, I was instructed to stay behind the mirror**_

_**Christine:Angel my soul was weak forgive me enter atlast master**_

_**Erik:(stops fiddling with the mic.)Oh! Okay! It's my turn. Flattering child you shall know me**_

_**Christine:This time period 'know' or the Bible version 'know'?**_

_**Erik:See why in shadow I hide**_

_**Christine:Okay**_

_**Erik:Look at your face in the mirror**_

_**Christine:I'm looking**_

_**Erik:I am there inside**_

_**Christine:Awesome! ANgel of music guide and guardian grant to me your glory**_

_**Erik:Ha! She' so stupid! She thinks I'm an angel! Hahahaha!**_

_**Christine:Angel of music hide no longer, come to me strange angel**_

_**Erik: I am your angel of music (turns on beavus and butthead and starts eating a bowl of popcorn in a la-z-boy recliner) Come to me angel of music. I am your angel of music, come to me angel of mus...(notices the dumb look on christine's face)hahahahahaha!**_

_**Christine:WHat was that all about**_

_**Erik:Hahahaha! You look like a retard. I mean, you just have this dumb look on your face. It's hilarious**_

_**Christine:(starts crying)**_

_**Erik:Oh lord! How am I gonna get her to shut up. (Get's idea) I know! Christine, wanna come watch beavus and butthead:the next generation starring jessie and dustin who are friends with Fop Hunter who is also known as THE WRITER!**_

_**Christine:Okay! (walks into the passage with erik and sits in his lap and eats popcorn with him as the episode entitled 'Tainted Meat' comes on.)**_

_**THANK YOU FOR READING AND NOW YOU HAD BETTER REIVEW! If you don't review, I will hurt you and will not write anymore on this story! Mwahahahahaha!**_

_**READ AND REVIEW! AND PUT ME ON YOUR FAVORITE'S LIST! BYEBYE UNTIL NEXT TIME!**_


	8. All I Ask of You & Poker Pigeon

_**ALL I ASK OF YOU WITH ERIK TALKING!**_

_**Raoul:No more talk of darkness**_

_**Erik:Why? You scared? Do you need a night-light**_

_**Raoul:Forget these wide-eyed fears**_

_**Erik:Fears don't have eyes you moron**_

_**Raoul:I'm here**_

_**Erik:(sarcastically)Nooo! Really?**_

_**Raoul:Nothing can harm you**_

_**Erik:Hah! Yah right! (throws a big rock at Christine)**_

_**Christine:Ouch! (rubbing her head)**_

_**Erik:See told you!**_

_**Raoul:My words will warm and calm you**_

_**Erik:What does that mean?**_

_**Raoul:Let me be your freedom**_

_**Erik:Someone's been to crazytown**_

_**Raoul:Let daylight dry your tears**_

_**Erik:It's night time you idiot, there is no daylight**_

_**Raoul:I'm here **_

_**Erik:We;ve already been through this, no duuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh!**_

_**Raoul:Beside you**_

_**Erik:No, moron! Your standing in front of her!**_

_**Raoul:To guard you and to guide you**_

_**Erik:No comment**_

_**Christine:Say you'll love me every waking moment**_

_**Erik:I can do that, but you won't give me a chance you (bleep)ing whore**_

_**Christine:Turn my head with talk of summertime**_

_**Erik:Now I will pretend I'm Raoul...Uhhh! What's summertime?...Now I'm me again! E equals mc sqared!**_

_**Christine:Say you need me with you now and always**_

_**Erik:I need you now and always! Git-R-Dun! (starts acting like dustin in the flintville band video yearbook at the end during the handball game)**_

_**Christine:Promise me that all you say is true**_

_**Erik:It's true I promise! (stil doing "things" to the air)**_

_**Christine:That's all I ask of you**_

_**Erik:Git-R-Dun! (continues doing "things" to the air)**_

_**Raoul:Let me be your shelter**_

_**Erik:How in the heck is that possible? Gosh! You are the stupidest it I've ever met! (still doing "things" to the air)**_

_**Raoul:Let me be your light**_

_**Erik:No that's impossible you aren't very bright (it's a joke if you didn't get it, welll, you are the stupidest it I've ever met)**_

_**Raoul:You're safe no one will find you**_

_**Erik:Okay. You just keep tellin her that even though I'm here and it didn't take me two minutes to find you! (doing "things" to the air still)**_

_**Raoul:Your fears are far behind you**_

_**Erik:Actually, 10 yards isn't very far behind**_

_**Christine:All I want is freedom**_

_**Erik:Well, you can't have it ("things" to the air still)**_

_**Christine:A world with no more night**_

_**Erik:Then you should move to the north pole for six months and then move to the south pole for six months and just keep rotating like that. but i myself love the dark**_

_**Christine:And you, always beside me**_

_**Erik:...no comment**_

_**Christine:To hold me**_

_**Erik:It ain't strong enough cause at the end of this scene when you two are supposed to kiss, there are wires lifting you up, not it, it's not that strong**_

_**Christine:And to hide me**_

_**Erik:Won't happen cause your butts too huge.**_

_**Raoul:Then say you'll share with me one love one lifetime**_

_**Erik: Dang it (throws cards in his hands down) I hate playing poker against pigeons**_

_**Pigeon:Cooooo!You suck! Coooo!**_

_**Raoul:Let me lead you from your solitude**_

_**Erik:Go to heck you mother (bleep)ing pigeon**_

_**Pigeon:Cooo! (BLEEP) you! Cooo!**_

_**Raoul:Say you need me with you here, beside you**_

_**Erik:Hey! You're behind her you trisexual it!(he's she's and it's) The (bleep)ing pigeon knows your behind her!**_

_**Pigeon:Cooo! I'm not as stupid as you Erik! Cooo!**_

_**Erik:Dang bird! (pulls out flame thrower and sets the pigeon on fire)**_

_**Pigeon: Coo! YOu dumb a$$ mother (bleep)er! (falls off edge of building)**_

_**Erik:HahahahA! Hahahahaha! You can't fly now you stupid bird (flicks the flaming ball hurtling towards the ground a bird)**_

_**Raoul:ANywhere you go let me go too**_

_**Erik:You mean your gonna follow her when she goes to the crapper! Man you are nasty! **_

_**Raoul:Mary Ellen, that's all I ask of you (i'm being mean to a reviewer and tey knwo who they are)**_

_**Christine:It's Christine! You cheater! (slaps him)**_

_**Erik:(falls over laughing)**_

_**Christine:Say you'll share with me one love one lifetime**_

_**Erik:(still laughing)**_

_**Christine:Say the word and I will follow you**_

_**Erik:Oh, so now you're gonna follow him to the crapper (starts laughing uncontroably)**_

_**Christine/Raoul:Share each day with me each night each morning**_

_**Erik:This song sucks**_

_**Christine:Say you love me**_

_**Erik:No he doesn't love you, he's trisexual**_

_**Raoul:You know I do**_

_**Erik:Liar! YOu are such a (bleep)ing liar! liar liar pants on fire, literrally!**_

_**Christine/Raoul:Love me that's all I ask of you**_

_**Erik:Ha! I win! (throws cards down and laughs at the cooked featherless body that was once the pigeon from earlier)**_

_**Christine/Raoul:Anywhere you go let me go too!**_

_**Erik:You two are gonna have fun watching each other poop! (kills over laughing)**_

_**Christine/Raoul:Love me that's all I ask of you**_

_**Erik:(still alughing as spirit floats up)**_

_**God:Well, erik, you've done some terrible things in your life but what you said during those to freaks song cracked me up! You can stay here**_

_**Erik:Sweet! (keeps laughing along with God and Jesus and the angels)**_


	9. Point of No Return

_**THE POINT OF NO RETURN WITH ERIK AND CHRISTINE AND MAYBE MADAME GIRY AND RAOUL TALKING!**_

_**Erik:You have come here**_

_**Christine:Yep! Sure have!**_

_**Erik:In pursuit of your deepest urge**_

_**Christine:Can you guess what my deepest urge is?**_

_**Erik:In pursuit of that wish wich till now has been silent**_

_**Christine:Inside my head! My wish is screaming inside my head!**_

_**Erik:Silent**_

_**Christine:Stop repeating yourself!**_

_**Erik:I have brought you**_

_**Christine:No you didn't, I walked**_

_**Erik:That our passions may fuse and merge**_

_**Christine:Sounds like something Jessie would say**_

_**Erik:In your mind you've already succombed to me**_

_**Christine:From the moment that I laid eyes on you babe!**_

_**Erik:Dropped all defences**_

_**Christine:Well, not all of them**_

_**Erik:Completely succombed to me**_

_**Christine:I've already answered that**_

_**Erik:Now you are here with me**_

_**Christine:Well duuuhhhh!**_

_**Erik:No second thoughts you've decided, decided**_

_**Christine:If you don't stop repeating yourself I'm gonna have second thoughts!**_

_**Erik:Past the point of no return**_

_**Madame Giry:My word! Erik, watch your mouth! That's rated R!**_

_**Raoul:Huh? What's nastey. All he said was 'Past the point of no return'**_

_**Madame Giry:(beats him over the head with her cane)Shut up you idiot! That's disgusting!**_

_**Raoul:Ouch! (cries)**_

_**Erik:No backward glances**_

_**Christine:My eyes are glued to you handsome guy I've never seen before (dumb look)**_

_**Erik:Our games of make believe are at and end**_

_**Christine:Finally! Took ya long enough!**_

_**Erik:Past all thought of "if" or "when"**_

_**Christine:Now when have I said either of those words**_

_**Raoul:Just now! You said when! (falls over laughing for no reason cause what he said wasn't funny)**_

_**Erik:No use resisting**_

_**Christine:Oh don't worry! I won't resist! I'm yours!**_

_**Madame Giry:Erik, you sick freak!**_

_**Erik:Abandon thought and let the dream descend**_

_**Raoul:Huh! His pants look funny! He's a retard!**_

_**Angry Gerry Phans:You crossed the line pnasyboy! (tackle him and beat the living you know what out of him) He's just really tall! Now, we don't ever wanna hear you say something bad about Gerry the Hotty ever again! Don't even think somethin bad because if you do, we'll know!(leave after doing that funny gesture where you're telling someone you're watching them)**_

_**Erik:Past the point of no return, the final threshold, what warm unspoken secrets will we learn**_

_**Christine:I will tell you that Raoul is queer (she whispers in his ear)**_

_**Erik:(stops song)What! I knew that! I thought everyone knows that Raoul Vicomte de Chagney is queer! And if someone didn't they know now because I just said it really loud for all to hear.**_

_**Audience:(looking to Raoul)Is that true? Are you homosexual?**_

_**Raoul:Nope!**_

_**Audience:(relieved sigh)**_

_**Raoul:I'm trisexual! I like he's she's and its!**_

_**Women in audience:(faint)**_

_**Men in audience:(scream like girls)**_

_**Erik:(wide eyed)Well, that's just wrong but anyhoo!Beyond the point of no return**_

_**Christine:You have brought me**_

_**Erik:You walked**_

_**Christine:To that moment when words run dry**_

_**Erik:Evidentally not cause you're still speaking words**_

_**Christine:To that moment when speech disappears into silence**_

_**Erik:Wrong again! YOu won't shut up so it's not silent**_

_**Christine:silence**_

_**Erik:Now who's repeating themselves you Angelina Jolie wanna be**_

_**Christine:I have come here hardly knowing the reason why**_

_**Erik:You really are a dunce! Were you blonde in a previous life or have you caught Meg and Raoul's stupidity**_

_**Christine:In my mind I've already imagined our bodies intwining defenceless and silent**_

_**Erik:Didn't we cover this in 'Think of Me'? Oh well! Being a dunce you already forgot. Do you not remember a few months ago when you came to spend the night at my place and then we had too much rum and things just happened from there because the audience would freak out but I will tell you this much, it's what you're thinking including a whip, paddle, and ropes.**_

_**Audience:GIT-R-DUN ERIK! GIT-R-DUN!**_

_**Christine:Oh yah! Now I remember!**_

_**Erik:Good for you ya dunce**_

_**Christine:Now I am here with you, no second thoughts, I've decided, decided**_

_**Erik:You're making those eyes a again and honey, I'm sorry, but you gotta wait til we get to the lair for happy hour**_

_**Christine:Past the point of no return**_

_**Madame Giry:You sick child! You shall be punished once this is over with**_

_**Christine:No going back now, our passion play has now atlast begun**_

_**Audience:GIT-R-DUN! GIT-R-DUN! GIT-R-DUN!**_

_**Erik:Amen!**_

_**Christine:Past all thought of right or wrong, one final question**_

_**Erik:Christine, will you marry me?**_

_**Christine:How long shoulod we two wait before we're one**_

_**Erik:...What? Say again! I didn't catch what you said! I was too busy shooting sptit wods and raoul and then throwing rocks at him**_

_**Christine:When will the blood begin to race? The sleeping bud burst into bloom**_

_**Erik:(pours cup of water on plant and it blooms)Yahhhh!**_

_**Christine:When will the flames atlast consume us?**_

_**Erik:Why on earth would you want us to jump into a fire? man you are stupid**_

_**Erik/Christine:Past the point no return**_

_**Madame Giry:Where did I go wrong raising the two of you! Erik did you have them magizines again?**_

_**Erik:Ummm...no ma'am? (lies)**_

_**Madame:Why should I trust you**_

_**Erik:Because I'm a good person**_

_**Madame:Exactly**_

_**Erik/Christine:the final threshold, the bridge is crossed**_

_**Raoul:No it's not, you're standing in the middle of it **_

_**Madame:(shoots raoul)shh! they make such a lovely couple**_

_**Erik/Christine:so stand and watch it burn**_

_**Raoul:No it's not on fire**_

_**Madame:Why won't you die! (shoots him in the head five times and then takes an ax and cuts his head off) There! That's that!**_

_**Erik/Christine:We've passed the point of no return**_

_**Audience and Madame:(seeing him touch her in such profane ways) GIT-T-DUN!**_

_**Erik:Say you'll share with me...**_

_**Christine:Stop! LOOK! You know I hate Raoul and I love you! SO what's the point of singing this! Take me! I'm yours! (jumps into his arms)**_

_**Erik:Sweet! (cuts rope, drops chandeleir, pushes lever, drops down hole)**_

_**(low brass and low strings doing Phantom theme)**_


	10. MaqueradeWhiskey?

_**MASQUERADE WITH ERIK TALKIN AND WHO KNOWS WHO ELSE!**_

**Firmin: Monsieur Andre**

**Andre:Monsieur Firmin who is gay**

**Firmin:Dear Andre what a splendid party**

**Andre:(picking nose) The prologue to a bright new year (eats booger)**

**Firmin:Quite a night I'm depressed**

**Andre:Well that's your fault, not mine**

**Both:The toast before the city what a pity that the Phantom can't be here**

**Andre:Yah! I wonder if he got the invite? (goes back to pickin nose)**

**People:Masquerade**

**Erik:This song sucks so far**

**People:Paper faces on parade**

**Erik:Those are called masks and I wear one constantly, i 'm more special than you**

**People:Masquerade, hide your face so the world will never find you**

**Erik:This is my new theme song (dances around to music)**

**People:Masquerade every face a different shade**

**Erik:I've no idea why you keep repeating that word**

**People:Masquerade, look around there's another mask behind you**

**Erik:Where? (turns around and sees self in mirror)Ahhhhhh! (hides under blanket)**

**People:Swish and swirl fish and fowl gull and goat skull and scowl**

**Erik:Random! Yahhhh!**

**People:Flash of green splash of brown ace of hearts face of clown**

**Erik:These people must be drinkin some strong liquor to be sayin stuff this random! I want some of that stuff! (runs into party before he's supposed to)**

**People:faces take your turn take a ride, look the Phantom is here**

**Dudes:in an inhuman mask**

**People:Kurd and king bird and beast ghoul and ghost fool and priest curl of lip swirl of gown twirl of cape trace of rouge face of ape**

**Erik:Cool(takes swig of liquor) There's a freak with a face that look like a freakin monkey. sounds like he needs a mask more than me (falls over laughing)**

**People:Faces drink it in drink it up til you've drowned in the light in the sound**

**Christine and Raoul: But who can name the**

**Erik:Face!(still laughing)**

**People:Masquerade grinning yellows spinning reds masquerade take your fill let the spectacle astound you**

**Raoul:WHy is Erik lying on the floor drinking that soda (picks up bottle and takes a drink and then falls over laughing too)**

**Masquerade burning glances turning heads masquerade stop and stare at the sea of smiles around youMasquerade, seething shadows breathing lies masquerade**

**Erik:You can fool any friend who ever knew you which in my case you can fool any idiot who comes you way cause I have no friends (looks over at rubber ball with hand print on it that looks like a face) Except for you, Wilson! I'm sorry (hugs ball)**

**People:Masqerade leering satyrs peering eyes masquerade run and hide but a face will still persue you**

**Erik:And that face is probably mine (follows people around and says) I'm persuing you**

**Giry:What a night**

**Meg:What a crowd**

**Andre:Makes you glad**

**Firmin:makes you proud all the creme de la creme**

**Carlotta:Watching us and wathing them**

**Meg and Giry:And all our fears are in the past**

**Erik:I'm one of your fears and I'm not in the past**

**Andre:six months**

**Piangi:of relief**

**Carlotta:Of delight**

**Andre and Firmin:Of Elysian peae**

**Meg and Giry:And we can breathe at last**

**Carlotta:No more notes**

**Piangi:No more ghost**

**Erik:I'm right here ya know you stupid pig**

**Giry:here's to health**

**Andre:here's a toast to a prosperous year**

**Firmin:To the new chandelier**

**Erik:who cares about some stupid chandelier that I dropped**

**Piangi and Carlotta:and may it's splendour never fade**

**Firmin:six months**

**Erik:didn't you say that a few minutes ago, do you have short term memory loss**

**Giry:what a joy**

**Meg:what a change**

**Erik:What change, i don't see anything different other than that ugly chandelier that's uglier than the last**

**Firmin and Andre:what a blessed release**

**Andre:and what a masquerade**

**Erik:Yah, this is some party! I'm gonna have to take a couple of cases of this whiskey crap with me! i love it!**

**Christine:Think of it a secret engagement look your future bride**

**Erik:Say what now child**

**Christine:Just think of it**

**Erik:I hope I didn't just hear that**

**Raoul:But why is it secret what have we to hide**

**Erik:I'm gonna barf**

**Christine:No Raoul please don't they'll see**

**Erik:(throws up in paper bag)**

**Raoul:Then let them see it's and engagement not a crime**

**Erik:No it is a crime (hanging over toilet where he's been a pukin)**

**Raoul:Christine what are you afraid of**

**Erik:You! You're a fop and who wouldn't be afraid of you**

**Christine:Let's not argue**

**Raoul:Let's not argue**

**Erik:Yes, argue that we you break up and she's mine**

**Chritsine:Please pretend**

**Raoul:I can only hope**

**Christine:You will understand in time**

**Raoul:I will understand in time**

**Erik:no he won't he's a complete moron (chugs down another bottle of whiskey stuff)**

**People:masquerade hide your face so the world will never find you**

**Erik:(walking around drunk)**

**People:masquerade every facea different shade masquerade look around there another mask behind you**

**Erik:(looks behind him and looks in the mirror at himself) hi i'm erik who are you**

**reflection:(no answer)**

**Erik:answer me you wretch! (smashes mirror)**

**People:Masquerade burning glances turning heads masquerade stop and stare at the sea of smiles around you masquerade, grinning yellows spinning reads masquerade take your fill let the spectacle astound you**

**Erik:(Walks down the steps pissed off) (notices everyone staring at him) why so silent good messieurs did you think that i had left you for good**

**Raoul:I think I just soiled myself (runs away to bathroom)**

**Erik:have you missed me good messieurs i have written you an opera, here i bring the finished score 'DON JUAN TRIUMPHANT'!(throws down portfolio)**

**Andre:What is that nastey odor**

**Firmin:Sorry, I just crapped on myself**

**Andre:Oh good, I thought it was me!**

**Erik:fondest greeetings to you all, a few instructions just before rehearsal starts. carlotta must be taught to act not her normal trick of strutting round the stage**

**Dude #1:i love his costume**

**Erik:our Din Juan must lose some weight it's not healthy in a man of piangi's age**

**Carlotta:I told you to stick with the diet plan but would you listen to me! why can't you be as thin and sexy as the Phantom! (slaps piangi on the back of the head)**

**Erik:and my managers must learn that their place is in an office not the arts**

**ANdre:(Goes wide-eyed and and jumps into firmin's arms) aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!**

**Erik:As for our star, miss christine daae, no doubt she'll do her best it's true her voice is good sheknows though should she wish to excel she has much still to learn if pride will let her return to me, her teacher, her teacher**

**Dude #2:wow! i wonder if he can teach carlotta to sing. i get tired of hearing her squealing!**

**Carlotta:(slaps the dude silly) Monsieur Fantome, can you teach me to sing?**

**Erik:no way! I'd rather eat a dog turd or be locked in a lil dark room with piangi...(thinks about it) well, maybe not that last. no one wants to be booty raped (notices ring on chain around christine's neck) your chains are still mine you belong to me (goes down trapdoor into mirror room)**

**raoul follows him. in the room he sees himself in the mirror and starts looking at himself. **

**Raoul:OMG! That is a giant zit! (passes out)**

**Erik:I knew that trick mirror would come in handy (grabs Christine and starts making out with her)**

_**Did ya like this chappy? Read and Review everybody!or lest you be hunted down and locked in a lil dark room with piangi! mwahahahahahahahuahahaha!**_


	11. Wishing Raoul Hadn't Dropped the Soap

_**WISHING YOU WERE SOMEHOW HERE AGAIN WITH ERIK SAYING MORE RETARDED CRAP!WOOT WOOT!**_

**Christine:You were once**

**Erik:What the best looking guy around? Yah! But that's before you ripped my mask off! Man, before that, I had girls lined up from everywhere! I hate you Christine! You stupid lil slut bag whore!**

**Christine:My one companion**

**Erik:Don't try to use flattery Chrissy! It will never work!**

**Christine:You were all that mattered!**

**Erik:Must...resist...impulse...to...forgive! Noooo! Must...fight...back...! Must...not...give...in!**

**Christine:You were once**

**Erik:(bangs head against wall)**

**Christine:A friend and father**

**Erik:(stops beating himself up)Huh? I'm not your daddy! Unless you want me to be! Who's your daddy! Who's your daddy! Who's your baby! Who's your buddy! Who's your friend! And who's the one guy that you come runnin to when your love life starts crumblin! I got the money you got the honey, let's cut a deal! Let's make a plan! Who's your daddy! Who's your baby! Who's your buddy! Who's your man!**

**Toby Keith fans start dancin around madly! **

**Christine:Erik, I never knew you could sing like Toby! (squeals in delight and begs for autograph)**

**Erik:Shut up and sing!**

**Christine:Fine but don't come begging for my autograph when I get famous!**

**Erik:Yah! Like that'll ever happen!**

**Christine:Then my world was shattered!**

**Erik:(signing autographs) Thank you!**

**Fan#1:Can you pose for a picture?**

**Erik:Sure! (poses by chik)**

**Christine:Wishing you were somehow here again!**

**Erik:I'm right here! (running away from derranged toby keith fans)**

**Christine:Wishing you were somehow near**

**Erik:I'm five feet away you prik!**

**Christine:Am not! Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed**

**Erik:You and I would be married and be bed partners!**

**Piangi: Booty rape! Here I come! Ready or not! (runs towards erik)**

**Erik:Ahhhh! Get the fat white bubba away from me! Ahhhh!**

**Raoul:Don't drop the soap Erik! Keep it on a rope!**

**Erik:(puts a bar of soap on the gound infront of raoul)Look Raoul! You had better pick that up!**

**Raoul:(bends down to pick up soap) **

**Piangi:(runs up behind him and...)**

**Raoul:Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!**

**Piangi(satisfied smile)You are my bi#!**

**Erik:My word! That's just disturbing!**

**Christine:(wide-eyed)Erik! Is that what happens when you drop the soap!**

**Erik:(covers Christine's eyes)You aren't old enough to watch this movie! (get's idea) But I am!(puts blind fold on Christine and grabs video camera and begins videotaping the scene infront of him)This is going on the internet for sure!**

**Later on after the Piangi Bubba moment!**

**Christine:Some how you would be here**

**Erik:(watching video from earlier)Hahahahahahahahhahahaha! That's right Raoul! You are his bi#! **

**Christine:Wishing I could here your voice again**

**Erik:(still laughing hiseterically)**

**Christine:Knowing that I never would**

**Erik:Yah! Warner Brothers, you gotta see this tape!**

**Warner Brothers:What's it about?**

**Erik:Raoul got booty raped by Piangi!**

**W.B.:That'll be a topseller! You actually got footage of it?**

**Erik:Yah! And I have been LMAO!**

**W.B.:Mail it to us right away!**

**Erik: Just did! Should be arriving in exactly...three, two, one!**

**W.B.:We're putting it in right now!**

**Erik:Well, what do you think of the title?**

**W.B.:'Raped by a White Bubba' video taped by Erik the Phantom**

**Erik:pretty good eh?**

**W.B.:(dying with laughter) how much money do you want for this!**

**Erik:100 million francs (puts pinky finger to corner of mouth)**

**W.B.:Done! (sends money)**

**Erik:Thank you, Warner Brothers!**

**Christine:Dreaming of yo won't help me to do all that you dreamed I could**

**Erik:I'm in the money! I'm in the money! No shoes, no shirt, no problems! When the sun gpoes down, we'll be groovin! When the goes down, we're feelin alright! When the sun sinks down, over the water! Everything is hotter when the sun goes down! I love random!**

**Christine:Passing bells and sculpted angel cold and monumental seem for yo uthe wrong companion, you were warm and gentle**

**Erik:I'm freezing my a$$ off! Out here! I'm taking the money and moving to a warmer building! No more moseleum!**

**Christine:Too many years, fighting back tears, why can't the past just die**

**Erik:No idea!**

**Christine:Wishing you were somehow here again knowing we must say goodbye try to forgive**

**Erik:Forgive you for what? The tearing my mask off thing and the rooftop fling? I'm the richest ghost in the world and besides, all of that's nothing one night at my place in my company can't fix! (waves moeny infront of her)**

**Christine:(runs behind gravestone with Erik) CLEAR YOUR SHEDULE!**

**Erik:(American Pie 2)Oh Christine!**

**Christine:Call me Stifler's mom!**

**Erik:Stifler's mom!**

**Later on!**

**Christine:Teach me to live, give me the strength to try**

**Erik:(Buttoning his shirt) That's something I will never forget!**

**Christine:No more memories no more silent tears no more gazing across the wasted years**

**Erik:Well, (flings jacket over his shoulder)There's only three more things that I haven't done yet! 1-Get married 2-have a family 3-get some chik i don't know pregnant. #3 will never happen**

**Christine:help me say goodbye**

**Erik:Good bye**

**Christine:help me say good bye**

**Erik:(like computer)goodbye!**

_**That's all for this chappy! I'll add more ASAP! READ AND REVIEW!**_


	12. Wandering Child and a Bazooka

_**WANDERING CHILD BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! WITH ERIK TALKING AND STUFF!**_

**Erik:Wandering child**

**Christine:Yes? Can I help you**

**Erik:So lost**

**Christine:I'm not lost**

**Erik:Really? Then where are you?**

**Christine:Umm! Don't tell me! Ummm! No wait! Don't tell m! I knw this! Don't tell me! Don't tell me! Don't tell me! Okay I give up! Tell me!**

**Erik:You are in Chip-n-Dales**

**Christine:Really?**

**Erik:NO!**

**Christine:Then where am I!**

**Erik:You are on the Ellen Degenerous Show!**

**Christine:Really?**

**Erik:Yah!**

**Christine:Awesome!**

**Erik:I'm just kidding you aren't! **

**Christine:You are a mean man, Erik!**

**Erik:That's ghost!**

**Christine:Whatever! Hmph!**

**Erik:So helpless!**

**Christine:Am not!**

**Erik:Prove it! Try to stand up!**

**Christine: (tries to stand but falls) Wait! Let me try that again! (tries again and falls again) Waahhh! I can't do it! I am helpless! Wahhh!**

**Erik:(rolls eyes)Oh brother!**

**Christine:You don't have a brother!**

**Erik:Do too! Look! (grabs Lon Chagney and stands beside him) Don't we look like twins!**

**Christine:(confused)**

**Erik:It was a choke Christine!**

**Christine:OH! Sorry! I'm a..**

**Erik:IDIOT!**

**Christine:No I'm just a little...**

**Erik:RETARDED!**

**Christine:I'm a little slow because...**

**Erik:You are a brunette wo should have been a blonde!**

**Christine:Actually, I am a blonde I nust dyed my hair!**

**Erik:OMG! I am in love with a moron! (falls over)**

**Christine:(giggling insanely)**

**Erik:Yearning for my guidance**

**Christine:(dumb look)Where do babies come from?**

**Erik:Not again! (cracks Christine over the head with a metal chair)**

**Christine:Angel**

**Erik:Why yes I am! Thanks for notiing!**

**Christine:Or father**

**Erik:Who's your daddy! Who's your baby! Who's your buddy! Yah! Who's your friend!**

**Christine:Friend**

**Erik:I'm not your friend! I'm your lover sweet cheeks! (strikes pose and raises eyebrow and gestures for Christine to come tohim using his index finger)**

**Christine:Or Phantom**

**Erik:The Phaaaaaaaantom of the Opera is here, behind the giant house thing for dead people!**

**Christine:Who is it there staring!**

**Erik:Have you forgotten your angel! You stupid blonde!**

**Christine:Angel, oh, speak! What endless longings**

**Erik:Huh! What! Sorry love I was miles away!**

**Christine:Echo in this whisper**

**Erik:Oh I'm supposed to sing now ain't I? To long you've wondered in winter**

**Chritsine:Yah, Erik! It's winter! Isn't that obvious by all the snow falling from the sky!**

**Erik:Far from my fathering gaze**

**Christine:(takes sip of hot cocoa) Ahhh! That's good! Nice and warm and choclately!**

**Erik:Sing dumb butt! (throws rock at Christine and hits her in the head)**

**Christine:Ouch! Okay okay I'll sing! Jeez! Wildly my mind beats against you**

**Erik:YOu resist yet your soul obeys! I've got thepower!**

**Christine:Yet the soul obeys!**

**Erik/Christine:Angel of music you/I denied me/you!**

**Erik:Yah! And it better not happen again!**

**Christine:Angel of music my protector come to me strange angel**

**Erik:Angel of music do not shun me come to your strange angel (winks) This is the good part! You know where she looks like an idiot!**

**Erik:I am your angel of music**

**Christine:(dumb look)**

**Erik:Come to me angel of music**

**Christine:Erik, are the angel of music?**

**Erik:I am our angel of music come to me angel of music**

**Raoul:No wait! Christine!**

**Erik:(takes out bazooka and blows raoul's head off)**

**Raoul:Awesom! I beat level 11! (video game sounds in background)**

**Erik:hey fopo!**

**Raoul:Yes? (sees that it is erik)OMG! You are the Phantom of the Opera! Can I have your autograph?**

**Erik:I have something better!**

**Raoul:Really what?**

**Erik:(pulls out bazooka and blows raoul's head off) I WIN!**

**THAT'S ALL OF THIS CHAPTER! HOPE YOU LIKEDED IT! READ AND REIVEW!**


	13. Notes

_**NOTES! WHAT WILL ERIK SAY THIS TIME? DUN DUN DUNNNN!**_

**Firmin:Mystery of the gala night, mystery of soprano's flight**

**Erik:Flight? She didn't fly away! Sure she was taken by an angel but she walked not flied!**

**Firmin:Mystifeid all the papers say we are mystefied we suspect fowl play**

**Erik:She went willingly! (ticked off throws knives at picture of firmin)**

**Firmin:bad news on soprano scen first carlotta now christine**

**Erik:But Carlotta's departure was a good thing and christine's is good for me! (evil grin)**

**Firmin:still atleast the seats get sold gossip's worth it's weight in gold**

**Erik:Which all of that gold will go to me and some to the 'Raped By A White Bubba' fund. The fund for the vistims that were raped by piangi, the great white bubba! Please donate! **

**Commercial: **

**John Walsh:There have been dozens of victims! Some adults and some not even old enough for prostitution! He is infamous! And highly dangerous. Ubablo Piangi (lightening strikes in background and woman screaming in high pitched tone), also known as. THE GREAT, WHITE, BUBBA! If you or any one you know has been attacked by this overweight white menace, call now at **

**1-800-OMG-BUBBA or 1-OMG-LOOK-IT'S-A-FAT-WHITE-BUBBA-NAMED-PIANGI! CALL NOW!**

**Firmin:what a way to run a business**

**Erik:No! I'm runnin the show here!**

**Firmim:spare these unending trials, half your cast disappears but the crowd still cheers**

**Erik:Actually only one thirtieth of your cast disappeared and she didn't really disappear, she simply took a break and spent the night at my place GIT-R-DUN!**

**Andre:Damnable, will they all walk out**

**Erik:If I have anything to say about it ,yes, they will**

**Andre:This is damnable**

**Firmin:Andre please don't shout**

**Erik:Are you gay?**

**Firmin:It's publicity and the take is vast free publicity**

**Erik:Answer my question! NOW!**

**Andre:But we have no cast**

**Erik:I hate these gayfers, guess I'll just have to send 'em another note**

**Firmin:Andre, babe, have you seen the que, Ah, it seems you've got one too**

**Erik:(smiling wickedly)I don't like leaving anyone out (laughs evily)**

**Andre:(strange face) Dear Andre what a charming gala**

**Erik:That's the truth!**

**Andre:Christine was, in a word, sublime**

**Erik:ALso true**

**Andre:We were hardly berreft when Carlotta left**

**Erik:(coughing) Big boobed slut (coughing)**

**Andre:On that note, the diva's a disaster must you cast her when she's seasons past her pime**

**Erik:I ain't lyin! Don't be hatin!**

**Fimrin:Dear Firmin just a brief reminder, my salary has not been paid, send a care of the the ghost by return of post. PTO! No one likes a debter so its better if my orders are obeyed.**

**Both:who would have the gall to send this**

**Erik:Me!**

**Both:Someone with a purile brain**

**Erik:Oh sure, make fun of the guy who wears a mask. Just because you two can't get a girl like Christine doesn't mean you have to aggrivate me bout it! Gosh!**

**Firmin:These are both signed O.G.**

**Erik:I don't use my real name! I just made that one up! Opera Ghost!**

**Andre;Who the hell is he?**

**Both:Opera Ghost!**

**Erik:That's me! I am the Opera Ghost Almighty! (IN SPANISH ACCENT) Fear me, if you dare! (pulls out sword and puts on a hat like Puss from Shrek 2 wears)**

**Firmin:Its nothing short of shocking**

**Andre:He is mocking our position**

**Firmin:In addition he wants money**

**Erik:The wolrd revolves around three things, Music, Beautiful women, and money! It's a neccesity!**

**Andre:What a funny apperrition**

**Firmin:To expect a large retainer**

**Both:Nothing plainer he is getting quite insane**

**Raoul:Where is she?**

**Fop Hunter:Sorry for the interruption but just a bit of information before we continue. Piangi, the Great White Bubba, has been sighted in this area. He may be dressed as an over weight woman or a black man. If you come in contact with it excercise the cautionary acts that follow this message.**

**1:Keep atleast 1000 yards between you and it.**

**2:Keep your hand at the level of your butt.**

**Cautionary acts for going out...**

**1:Wear many layers of clothing. Six or seven pairs of blue jeans.**

**2:Better yet, lock your dorrs, shut the windows, draw the curtains, turn out the lights, and stay indoors.**

**Fop Hunter:That is all for now! Good day!**

**Firmin:You mean Carlotta?**

**Raoul:I mean Miss Daae**

**Fop Hunter:I apologize for the interruption of this broadcast but I must pass along a bit more information. What you are about to read is graphic and disturbing and short sweet and to the point! That's all for now. Good day, again!**

**Just at this moment Piangi rushes out and places a bar of soap in front of Raoul. Raoul of course, not wanting to slip, bends over to pick it up and well...BOOTY RAPE!**

**Firmin:This is not for our eyes. (covers andre's eyes)**

**Andre:(covers firmin's eyes)**

**They both walk away very quickley!**

**Carlotta walks in.**

**Carlotta:Piangi! You sick freak! I always knew you were gay but I loved you too much to allow myself to be affected by it! (walks out , her face is green)**

**The rape continues and Erik is laughing his a$$ off!**

_**That's all of this chappy! READ AND REVIEW!**_


	14. DOM Why's a chik singing for Raoul?

_**TIME FOR DOWN ONCE MORE! HA THAT RHYMED! OKAY! I/M MESSED UP IN THE HEAD! ONWARD WITH THE RETARDED STORY THAT IS MINE!**_

**Erik:down once more to the dungeons of my black despair**

**Christine:(strange face while being dragged)**

**Erik:down we plunge to the prisons of my mind**

**Christine:(grabs hold of corner and breaks a nail)Ouch! Dang it Erik you made me break a nail**

**Erik:(rolls eyes and continues)down that path into darkness deep as hell**

**Christine:(gasps)Ummmuhhuummmm! I heard a wordie dirty! Madane Giry's gonna get you for that, mister**

**Erik:Christine! **

**Christine:Yes?**

**Erik:Why are you a brunette?**

**Christine:Because I was born like this**

**Erik:No I mean you should be a blonde**

**Christine:why should i be a blonde?**

**Erik:Cause you're stupid**

**Christine:That hurt, Erik! You hurt my feelings**

**Erik:Like I give a..**

**Christine:No swearing Erik! (shakes finger at him)**

**Erik:Shut up and let me continue with my song**

**Christine:Not until you apologize for cussing me out**

**Erik:I didn;t cuss you out**

**Christine:Yes you did! You said the "h" word**

**Erik:Hell?**

**Christine:Erik stop cursing me out**

**Erik:That wasn't cussing you out! If I were cussin you out it would sound like this: (takes deep breath) You slut bag whore why don't you go rip some other mother (bleep)ers mask off! Oh, since you've got that mask in your hand why don't you shove it up your (bleep) You're such a god (bleep) (bleep) why don't you go (bleep) yourself you gay, fop humping (bleep) go screw your queer boyfriend raoul the dumb a$$**

**Christine:(dumb look)**

**Erik:See, that's what it would sound like if i cussed you out and now..on with my song, why you asked was i bound and chained in this cold and dismal place**

**Christine:I never asked that**

**Erik:I know you didn't but it's in the script so i gotta say it**

**Christine:Well...i don't like you sayin that i said stuff that i didn't say**

**Erik:Go talk to joel and webber**

**Christine:Joel! Mr Webber!**

**Joel:(whispers from director's chair to webber)I think we betta leave**

**Webber:Good idea**

**They both run away into the men's locker room**

**Erik:Well. I wonder what will happen in there!**

**screaming noises in bathroom**

**Erik:I don't wanna know, not for any mortal...(notices christine ain't there) chrissy! get your j. lo booty back over here so we can finish this take**

**Christine:Ssssh! I wanna find out whats going on in the men's locker room with joel and mr webber (opens door and walks in)**

**Erik:That girl will never be right again!**

**Christine:(walks out eyes twitching)**

**Erik:What d;ya see**

**Christine:(looks at erik and screams)**

**Erik:(wiping spit off of face)Oookkkaaaayyyy! Back to the song**

**Christine:It was awfuk! joel was...**

**Erik:(covers her mouth)We don't want to know and if we do we'll go watch the tape from the camera in the locker room. Back to my song, again. Not for any mortal sin but the wickedness of my abahrent face**

**Christine:What's that mean!**

**Erik:hounded out by everyone met with hatred everywhere no kind words from anyone no compassion anywhere christine, why? why!**

**Christine(normal dumb look)**

**Madame Giry:Your hand at the level of you eye**

**Raoul:(staring off into distance like a retard, which he is)**

**Madame:Your hand at the level of your eye moron (grabs raoul's arm and pulls it up for him)**

**Raoul:Ouch! Your grip is damaging my perfect skin you stupid old lady**

**Madame:(punches raoul down into trap door where he plummits into the water)**

**Christine:have you gorged yourself atlast in your lust for blood**

**Erik:(mocking her, stares at her like an idiot)**

**Christine:am i now to be preyed to your lust for flesh**

**Erik:This face which condemns me to wallow in blood has also denied me the joys of the flesh**

**Christine:What's that supposed to mean?**

**Erik:It means I'm bout to hit the "Forty Year Old Virgin" mark**

**Christine:Oh. (continues staring like her notmal self)**

**Erik:This face which earned a mother's fear and loathing a mask my first unfeeling scrap of clothing **

**Christine:That's so sad erik! I didn't know**

**Erik:Pity comes too late turn around and face your fate an eternity of this before your eyes you (bleep)**

**Christine:this haunted face holds no horror for me it's in your soul that the true distortion lies**

**Pissed Phan Girl in audience:You lil whore! you just told him he's ugly either way! man you are so insensative! (stands up and turns out to La Carlotta Guidicelli from I mean, your supposed to say that he's beautiful on the inside not ugly inside and out! I for one think he's the best lookin guy around ain't that right phan girls from Hunter:Dang straight!**

**Phan girls:Erik erik erik erik erik erik erik erik!**

**Erik:You guys are awesome! (comes out and hugs and kisses them all)**

**Phan girls:(swoon and faint)**

**Raoul walks in and his stench wakes them up from their happy dreams.**

**Phans:Oh no! Not that thing again!**

**Erik:Wait I think my dear we have a guest, sir**

**Chritsine:Raoul?**

**Erik:I had rather hoped that you would come and now my wiush comes true you have truely made my night**

**Christine:let me go**

**Raoul:what was the line again? (looks at palm for notes but finds that they have been washed away after his dip in the lake) help!**

**La Carlotta from the love of god. (clears throat and in raouls voice) free her do what you like only free her have you no pity**

**Erik:Your lover makes a passionate plea. wait that's chik! this is so messed up. WRITER?**

**WRITER:Yah what's up**

**Erik:Are you smokin dope**

**WRITER:No i 'm just naturally sick and retarded**

**Erik:Okay**

**Christine:please raoul or is it la carlotta, whatever! please one of your two it's useless**

**LA carlotta:I love her does that mean nothing i lover her, show some compassion**

**Erik:The world showed no compassion to me**

**Phan girls:we know! what has the world and nonphans got against you (cry hopelessly)**

**La Carlotta:christine christine let the fop see her**

**Erik:Be my guest fop**

**Raoul walks in**

**Erik:monsieur i bid you welcome did you think that i would harm her why would i make her pay for the sins which are yours (throws lasso around raoul's neck and strings him up) order your fine horses now raise up your hand to the level of your eyes nothing can save you now except perhaps christine, start a new life with me buy his freedom with your love refuse me and you send your lover to his death this is the choice this is the point of no return!**

**Phans:How does he get that low! Rock on!**

**Chritsine:The tears I might have shed for your dark fate, grow cold and turn to tears of hate**

**Phans: your a (bleep) christine**

**Erik:Amen!**

**Fop Hunter:Let's just skip to the part that makes me happy!**

**Christine:Pitiful creature of darkness what kind of life have you known god give me courage to hsow you you are not alone (eri kand christine kiss)**

**Meanwhile during their record breaking smooch:**

**Phans:hey raoul! We gotta a lil present for ya**

**Raoul:really i love presents**

**Phans:Yah! meet erik's mnagical lasso (throws lasso around raoul's neck and kills him)**

**The end appears on the screen while erik and christien are still lip locked!**

**and now the next week:**

**Erik:I do**

**Chritsine:I do!**

**Raouls ghost"I object**

**Dude:when there's somethin strange in the neighborhood ,who ya gonna call, GHOSTBUSTERS! when there's something weird and it don't look good! who ya gonna call! GHOSTBUSTERS!**

**Ghostbusters come in and capture raoul's ghost and take him away to be put in a "special" bow with the other queer ghost such a Michael Jackson's ghost!**

**Phans:(throwing rice)Thank you God!**

**nine months later:**

**Nurse:Push madame**

**screen goes blank**

**Fop Hunter:That's a story for antoher time! Please R&R! or else die! mwahahahahahahahahaha! hope ya enjoyed!**

**And just cause I'm desperate! Anybody wanna beta for my other story! I thnk my original beta has too much to do to beta! Notify me if yo uare interseted**


	15. I Remember Van Helsing Came

_**YOU HAVE COME HERE/STRANGER THAN YOU DREAMNT IT! (DUN DUN DUNNN)**_

**Erik:I have brought you**

**Christine:Obvious!**

**Erik:(glares at her)**

**Christine:Meep!**

**Erik:To the seat of sweet music's throne to this kingdon where all must pay**

**Christine:A fine! A knickle, dime, dollar, quarter? how much is it?**

**Erik:homage you retard! homage! homage to music...music**

**Christine:Yah! But how much does it cost?**

**Erik:If you don't shut up I gonna get really mad!**

**Christine:Awesome!**

**Erik:you have come here for one purpose and one alone**

**Christine:And what might that be! How do you know why I came maybe I wanted to see you shirtless**

**Erik:No problem! (wrips shirt and coat and vest off)Since the moment I first heard you sing I have needed you with me to sever me to sing for my music**

**Christine:(drooling and frankly, who can blame her)**

**Erik:My music**

**Christine:(farts accidentally)**

**Erik:WELL! **

**Christine:Ooops I farted again**

**Erik:Again?**

**Christine:I feel so ashamed oh baby baby oops there's a sulferess gas escape from my a$$, i got bad flatulants oops**

**Erik:(wide eyed)Down with Brittany! (destroys B.S. poster)**

**AFTER MOTN! (WHAT WILL HAPPEN? READ AND FIND OUT)**

**Christine:I remember there was mist! swirling mist upon a vast glassy lake**

**Voice:Look a lake!**

**Christine:Where? (falls down steps) I'm okay! Just a concussion!**

**Erik:(snigger)**

**Christine:There were candles all around (notices candles) Ooooohhhhh! (sticks finger in flame and jerks it back when she gets burned)Ouch! stupid fire!**

**Erik:OMG! you're such a blonde! even though your hair is brown! (falls over laughing at christine who has her burned finger in her mouth)**

**Christine:And on the lake there was a boat**

**Voice:Look a boat!**

**Christine:Where! ( walks into another giant bug zapper)**

**Erik:(pushes button on recorder)(christine's voice)I can't help it, it's so beautiful! (erik falls over laughing again)**

**Christine:(hair smoking and black smudges all over her face and clothes)And in the boat there was a man!**

**Erik:Wuz up! (tongue hangin out of mouth like jean simmons)**

**Christine:Who was that shape in the shadows**

**Erik:huh war! what is it good for absolutely nothing! (dances around like jackie chan)**

**Christine:Whose is the face in the mask (starts rubbing his face and all that crap)**

**Erik:I'm lovin this! A lil to the left!**

**Christine:(moves hands to the right)**

**Erik:Your other left!**

**Christine:(moves hands to the left finally)**

**Erik:That's it! That hits the spot! (leg starts bouncin up and down like a dog)**

**Christine:Wow! Did you shave, Erik!**

**Erik:(confused look)I don't have a beard or mustache do I?**

**Christine:Ummmm...No?**

**Erik: Exactly.And what conclusion can you draw from that?**

**Christine:You can draw conclusions? Wow! What do they look like? Do you have a picture of one?**

**Erik:(makes a "why me?" look)No, genius!**

**Christine:(gets exciteddespite the clear sarcasm in his voice)Really! You think I'm a genius! You know I did graduate pre-school at the bottom of my class! (smiles proudly)**

**Erik:(another "why me?" look)This woman gets nothing I freakin say! Christine, look.**

**Christine:(head snaps in another direction)What? Where?**

**Erik:No! Listen to me.**

**Christine: I am you have such a suductive voice, Erik.**

**Erik:(under his breath)Oh dear god! Christine, what is a beard?**

**Christine:Hair around your belly button!**

**Erik:(very confused now, and who wouldn't be?)Huh? N...**

**Christine:(pulls shirt up) See! I have a beard. (points to huge hair ring around her belly button)**

**Erik:(gaggin) I (gag) think (gag) I'm (gag) gonna (gag) be sick (runs and throws up in lake cause his organ is priceless)**

**Christine:Do you have a beard Erik?**

**Erik:I have hair elsewhere Christine.**

**Christine:What do you mean "elsewhere"?**

**Erik:(pulls torn shirt away from his chest to reveal chest hair)See?**

**Christine:Wow Erik. I never knew you had a mustache too!**

**Erik:What do you mean, "too"?**

**Christine:(pulls shirt up to flashing level) Look at my mustache! **

**Erik:(walks over to chair an picks up candle holder, he beats himself in the head with it a couple of times and then goes back over to Christine who has managed to stuff the hair of her chest back into her blouse) Now, where were we. Oh yes. Do I have a go-T?**

**Christine:I wouldn't know Erik! I have never seen your manhood.**

**Erik:(kinda excited)Do ya wanna?**

**Christine:Not right now. Look at mine first. (turns around and drops drawers and shows off her hairy butt)**

**Erik:(wide-eyed, jaw dropped, scooting back as far as possible on organ bench, falls in floor and runs to dark corner all in horror)There's no such thing as hairy Christines! There's no such thing as hairy Christines. Theres no such thing as...**

**Christine:(sits down beside Erik)What;s wrong?**

**Erik:(scoots away)**

**Christine:I think someone needs a hug! (tries to hug him)**

**Erik:(sees hair sticking outta her shirt)Aaaaaaahhhhhhh! (claws at the wall until his fingers are bleeding) **

**Christine:Ohhh! Erik gotta a boo boo?**

**Erik:(darts away into another room and returns with his hands behind his back)**

**Christine:Whatcha got there, Erikpoo?**

**Erik:(pulls out a crucifix)Back! Back foul demon of hairy things on women that aren't supposed to be hairy! Back to the pit from which you came!**

**Christine:(snatches crucifix away and tries to kiss him)**

**Erik:Nnnnnnnooooooooooooo! (runs away again) Where the heck is Van Helsing when ya need him?**

**V. Helsing:Did somebody call for me?**

**Erik:Thank God you're hear, Monsieur Helsing! Listen, there's a h...**

**Helsing:Say. you're the Phantom of the Opera, aren't you?**

**Erik:Yes, that's me. Now, you see I have a problem.**

**Helsing:Hey. Isn't that your lady friend over there. Christine, isn't it.**

**Erik:Yah! Well she was until I found out she has**

**Helsing:A huge butt!**

**Erik:Yah but it's**

**Helsing:Gorgous! Not a big enough rack though!**

**Erik:I completely agree with you there. But believe me it's a bit terrifying wen you see it and her butt!**

**Helsing:(astounded)You've seen 'em?**

**Erik:Unfortunately. Yes.**

**Helsing:You lucky man! Say, what do I have to do to get to see those.**

**Erik:Oh believe me. I saw and what I saw made me puke.**

**Helsing:Oh so that's why there are chunks of bread flaoting in the lake.**

**Erik:Would you shut the heck up and listen.**

**Helsing:Sorry!**

**Erik:Like I was saying, what I saw made me puke, her chest and butt is grown over with thick black hair!**

**Helsing:(wide-eyed)Really?**

**Christine:Monsieur Helsing, would you like to see my mustache and beard and go-T.**

**Helsing:(looks to Erik)**

**Erik:(shaking head "no" furiously)**

**Helsing:Alright! SHow me!**

**Christine:(shows him)**

**Helsing:I know why you felt sick now! You don't mind if I hurl in the lake do you? (holding back the puke)**

**Erik:Go right ahead! I can't blame ya!**

**Helsing:(pukes and returns to talk with Erik)**

**Erik:What do you propose I do about this situation with Christine**

**Helsing:There are two options.**

**Erik:And what might those be**

**Helsing:Move out of state, preferably country. Change your name, appearance. Lie about your age and start all over again..**

**Erik:Option 2?**

**Helsing:Well, what you've got here is a werewolfette! A female werewolf! All ya gotta do is get her pregnant and things will go back to normal.**

**Erik:Sounds simple eno...did you say get her pregnated?**

**Helsing:It's the only way to get rid of werewolfettes. I'd go with option 1. gettin a female werewolf to settle down long enough for you to take care of business is near impossible. And the task is very disturbing. Not to mention all the STDs you can get. (leaves Erik alone to decide what to do)**

**Erik:Some help he was**

**At this very moment, the Fop walks in. **

**Fop:What did I miss?**

**Erik:Christine's a werewolfette and to fix things somebody's gotta get her pregnant.**

**Fop:Are you gonna do it?**

**Erik:No way!**

**Fop:Why not? You always wanted to do that with her before.**

**Erik:No. Believe me! I dont wanna.**

**Fop:Can I have her then?**

**Erik:Be my guest**

**Fop:(runs up to Christine who bites his head off)**

**Christine:Erik. I don't want his help. I want you.**

**Erik:I've always wanted to know what it would be like to live in America. With all of their advances in technology and whatnot. And all of their strange foods! I'd like to try some cornbread and pinto beans! Farting World Championship here I come! I guess I can change my name to Tom Cruise and invent some crazy crap like Scientology and make people mad all the time and then get my acting contract with Paramount dropped. Nahh! I'm gonna go with Austin Powers. or Maybe Dr. Evil. They both sound good! I'm gonna use Dr. Evil and check this out I even got my own cool laugh. Mwahahahahahahah! Mwahahahahaha! (holding pinky finger to corner of mouth)Yah that works! I'll just half to shave my head and adopt some kid named Scott. Yep! That'll work. (grabs suitcase, cloak hat and leaves Christine alone with her STDs)**

_**Yah! I know I didn't put Stranger than you dreamt it in here but the hairy thing just seemed alot more interesting so there ya go! I don't know if I'll come up with another chapter or not. Keep a look out! Because I just might think of something stupid! And I have a mind so perverted and weird that it's criminal! hehehehehehehe! I so need to be sent to the Loonie Ben, The Funny Farm! The Psych Ward! Crazy Town! Bring it on! Just give me a dvd player, the POTO dvd, a keyboard, the piano music, and a bunch of posters and picture of gerry butler. I'll just sit in my lil padded room and worship those pictures all day occassionally takin a break to play the piano and watch the movie! YES! I AM INSANE! BUT AM ALSO ONE OF THE MOST INTELLIGENT KIDS IN NINETH GRADE ACADEMY! WOOT WOOT!**_

_**R&R EVERYBODY!**_


	16. Twisted Every Way

_**OH NO! SHE'S BACK AND READY TO ROCK YOUR SOCKS OFF!**_

**Christine:Twisted every way!**

**Erik:Who? **

**Christine:What answer can I give?**

**Erik:Say "I love Erik! And I hate the Fop!" That will do it!**

**Christine:Am I to risk my life?**

**Erik;Why in the world would you risk your life? And for what friggin cause1 Gosh, you are impossible to comprehend! What is it about women that make slife with em so flippin confusin!**

**Christine:To win!**

**Erik:My girl! My girl! Talking bout my girl! Nothing you can do will make me untrue to my girl! There's nuttin you can do cause I'm stuck like the mask on my fance to my girl!**

**Christine:The chance**

**Erik:I went sky divin! Rocky mountain climbin! I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named some name I can't pronounce! (dances round in rodeo wear!) Some day I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dyin!**

**Christine:To live!**

**Erik:You are living! You are breathin, walkin round, talking! How can you not be alive if your doin that! Nur nur! (continues dancing in cowboy wear) I saddle up my horse and I ride in to the citay, I make a lot of noise cause the ballet rats me make me feel so sickay! Blah blah! Save the horse ride me, the Phantom!**

**Christine:Can I betray the man**

**Erik:What? Betray? You had better not do what I'm thinkin your thinkin of doin! (pulls out rubber chicken from his gun holster) Betray me and suffer the consiquences! I have a harmless rubber chicken and I'm not afraid to use it! I got a hostage! (puts his finger to his own throat) I'll kill him!**

**Christine:Who once inspired my voice**

**Erik:I knew it! You traitor! Dang you! Dang you all to heck! (I Like To Move It comes on and he is content dancing for a short time) Nice sweet fantastic shake ya body all around! I like to move it move it! I like to move it move it! I like to move it move it! You like to...(puts hands to his ears waiting for reply)**

**Lemurs:Move it!**

**Christine:Do I become his prey!**

**Erik:I'm a stalker psycho! (jumps round like the grinch and then rips his shirt like Hulk Hogan) Now, I vant to hunt you I vant to hunt you! Rooooaaarrrrr!!!! (high pitched voice)**

**Christine:Do I have any choice?**

**Erik:No! I make the decisions round har! And since you's a woman you ain't gots no say in nuttin but whas fo dinner! Dagnamit! (talke like old western cowboy geaser)**

**Christine:He kills without a thought**

**Erik:Liar! I do so! It's called premeditated! Don't you watch CSI? Do you even know what it stands for! CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION! HAHAHAHAHA! I'm smarter than you but I mean it doesn't take much to be smarter than a dunce like you! Nah nah!**

**Christine:He murders all that's good**

**Erik:Actually I've never murdered someone who is good! I've killed two people in my time so far! He was a filthy gypsy who was mean to me and beat me witha stick! And Joseph Bouquet liked lookin at you while you changed through his peep holes! I had reason! **

**Christine:I know I can't refuse**

**Erik:Yes you can say it with me, "I REFUSE!"**

**Christine:And yet I wish I could!**

**Erik:Yes, refuse! Do it now! (like arnold what's his face from terminator)**

**Christine:Oh God!**

**Erik:(gasps) How dare you say the lord's name in vain. I'm telling on you!**

**Christine:If I agreee what horrors wait for me in this the Phantomn's opera!**

**Erik:You shall see, my pretty eh hehehehehehehehe! (water falls on him) Aaahhhhh! I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh what a world what a world! I'm melting! (notices he's not melting) Oh! I'm not melting! Oh what a world! What a world!**

**Raoul:Christine, Christine don't think that I don't care**

**Erik:Think it! He doesnt care! You gay Fop! Say you don't care! You're just tryin to use her! Chrissy! Believe me!**

**Raoul:But every hoep and every prayer rests on you now!**

**Erik:Cheater! You lie to her liek that! I have never lied to her!**

**Raoul:What bout the angel of music ploy!**

**Erik:Hey she's the one who said I was the angel of musci, I just went along with her! I mean would you correct a seven year old? That's just cruel!**

**Raoul:Whatever!**

**Erik:(punjabs raoul and then laughs along with all th eother phans who enjoy kicking his body and ripping his limbs off)**

_**Can it be, can it be Fop Hunter! I'm back guys! I got bored so! READ AND REVIEW!**_


End file.
